Sound Bites

Hey, I have an idea. Let’s buy some college kids a bunch of Ferraris… but if one of them crashes theirs going 200 MPH, let’s ban Ferraris all across America.

Seriously. That’s how ridiculous this Four Loko ban is. Leave it to some juvenile morons to go and fuck up the fun for everyone.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: unless you are a 300 lb man or have a death wish, you do not need more than one Four Loko within a multi-hour time span. One Four Loko contains 24 oz of 12% alcohol. One beer contains 12 ounces of 5% alcohol. So, just in case you’re an idiot, allow me to do the math for you: one Four Loko equals five beers. Two Four Loko equals ten beers. What happens if you decide to funnel 10 beers within one hour? The same thing that would probably happen if you drank two Lokos within that timeframe: you’d be tanked.

The only harm that Lokos really cause is that they contain caffeine, which causes the alcohol to flow through our system faster, thus the reason it makes people hammered. Yeah, yeah, I know alcohol is a depressant and caffeine is a stimulant and when you mix the two it’s bad for your body… yada, yada. Red Bull and vodka does the same damn thing, but you don’t see the FDA banning Red Bulls across America.

The funny thing is, all the media has done with this hype is provide an all-expenses-paid revamped marketing plan for Four Loko. I’ve been drinking Lokos for the past year and, before now, everyone looked at me like I’d sprouted a third eye because I was walking around parties with a giant purple can. Now, with all the publicity, it’s selling out in stores. So, in the grand scheme of things, Lokos’ revenue is undoubtedly tripling in size.

I will say from experience that, when consumed properly, Lokos are amazing. After polishing off one Loko, I can suddenly sing like Mariah, solve everyone’s life problems, and do backflips on pool tables. All for the small price of $2.50.

But, of course, our country doesn’t see it this way.

America: where fun goes to die. We’ll outlaw great contributions to society such as pot and Four Lokos, legalize pharmaceuticals and other toxic substances, and make you work to death while other countries get mid-day nap time and 3 month annual vaca’s.

I love our country for a lot of things, but this time, they’re wrong.