Posted by Rachel Burke | Posted in Humor | Posted on 12:14 PM
11:00am: Wake up. Look at the clock. Go back to sleep.
12:00pm: Realize I have to be at school in one hour.
Unemployed observation #1: It is not impossible to oversleep for a 1pm class.
12:15pm: Get up. Make coffee. Check email and Facebook to have some sort of contact with the outside world.
Unemployed observation #2: You become accustomed to keeping track of the days by people’s “Monday complaints” on Facebook.
Confession: Every time I read another “Monday complaint,” I smile a little inside.
12:30pm: Cook an egg an jalapeno omelet. Since my lay-off, I have since discovered that jalapenos are the secret cure for weight loss.
1:00pm: Arrive at class.
Unemployed observation #3: Two hours of school is still better than rotting in a cubicle.
Unemployed observation #4: Almost anything, with the exception of snakes, spiders and Jersey Shore reruns, is better than rotting in a cubicle.
1:05pm: Discreetly eyeball the girl seated behind me who has brought her toddler to class. People, IS THIS ALLOWED?? In any event, I don’t think it’s cute, so I don’t pretend to like it.
1:10pm: Relocate to the opposite side of the classroom. No one notices.
1:15pm: Wonder if I am the only 27 year-old creature with a vagina who would duck if someone ever tossed me a baby.
3:00pm: Leave school. Go food shopping.
Unemployed observation #5: Trader Joe’s is still jam-packed at off-peak hours. There’s no way around it.
4:00pm: Arrive home. Debate on whether or not to shower. Realize 90210 is on Soapnet. Decide not to. Dylan McKay = ‘gasm.
Unemployed observation #6: Showering is for the birds.
5:00pm: Think about going running. Realize another 90210 rerun is on. Decide to go tomorrow.
Unemployed observation #7: Everything you always said you’d do if you didn’t have to work (i.e. get in shape, redecorate your house, start a band) you never actually do. If anything, you only get more lazy.
6:00pm: Check my bank account. Smile.
Unemployed observation #8: Regardless of what anyone says, getting free money does not suck.
6:15pm: Make plans with friends who are now home from work. Realize you still haven’t showered. Shower.
Unemployed observation #9: It is possible to become extremely busy doing absolutely nothing.
8:00pm: Meet friends for drinks. Feign attentive listening while they complain about their day at work. Smile and nod.
Unemployed observation #10: No matter how nice your co-workers were or what qualities you liked about your job, you will never miss it.
11:00pm: Arrive home. Make to-do list for tomorrow. Realize that laundry has morphed from a chore into an exciting fun task.
Unemployed observation #11: The people that say they’d “get bored” on employment are full of it. Only boring people get bored. Fact.
12:00am: Eat klonopin. Eat ice cream. Watch infomercials. Realize there is something seriously wrong with a product called “The Magic Bullet” that doesn’t involve sex.
1:00am: Drift into sleep. Klonopins = Bliss
That’s it for today.
Happy Monday kids.